Into the mountians that I call home
not the old home
that sits on solid ground
built on years of experiences,
memories and relationships.

Here,
lines of old realities blur and
perspectives change in elevation.

How can I leave this place again?
certain this timing is off
despite any willingness to grow
I trust it will remain
while I go about my business,
and I change
and I mold
and I become the person I am striving to be.

I could cry on your shoulder
rivers of tears
manifested by broken promises
and heartache
but alas, I resist the temptation
because I am not so weak
I am not as vulnerable as I think,
as you think.

Did it ever feel like the world was big enough for both of us?
It is easy to see we are born of our own galaxies
in a seperate time paradox
where days upon days of time go on
unnoticed.

transmit a message
across space
across time
across respective galaxies
and you will recieve it far too late
to perform the appropriate actions.

I may blame myself at first for this shortfall
In retrospect,
noone is to blame
we must respect the universal decision
that the sum of
me + you = -2


(this is in the editing phase, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm open to comments/suggestions and interpretations.)

I have felt love again.
it has filled me up
and left me feeling empty
used.

I am chasing stars again
from twilight into moonlight
now who am I
to think I'd catch one falling

I'm done calling
out your name
into an empty wire
just as I thought

you've become what I desire
your hands
that touch
that makes me tremble every time

the very instant I gave in
I adopted vulnerability
and realized love
now heartache is the greater of two evils.




when every other second
is a thought of you
and your not there
to see it through.

sometimes I read the missed connections page on Craigslist, this morning I found this post and was very moved by the simple beauty of these words...

"So once again you dance in and out of my life and I doubt you realize the effect you have on me. Then again, you might, it's hard to say with you. Somethings you say are so blatant and others so subtle but I learned more through your eyes this time around. I wonder if this game will continue and how long it will be until something solid is revealed. You are so amazing yet tormented by your own questions. Did you notice how similar we are in our thoughts? We have fun together. I don't believe in waiting for love while life is happening all around me but somehow I know there is a longer story to be told about us. The total of our days spent together can be counted on 2 hands yet my soul sings a melody rich with laughter stretching through time and space reaching for the harmony of your voice in my ears and your smile in my eyes."

Before I slept last night I read the first 111 pages of The Eagles Gift by Carlos Castaneada.

I have read Castaneada before and his words always feel like deep chords resonating in my body.

As I fell to sleep and into dreaming last night I physically felt that resonation as pulsations of energy throughout my body. The sensation is very hard for me to describe in words. It felt as though I was in a great deal of pain, or perhaps what pain would be like if you did not actually feel it, because in reality I was in no pain at all. The intensity was jarring enough to bring me to a completely new part of my consciousness.

I did not become fully awake as I felt the shocking pulses grow stronger. I simply became aware of the feeling, aware of my body lying down, and aware of my state of consciousness. This feeling continued for some time but I do not remember any other details of the experience.

I believe I was beginning to see my second self, or my dreaming body.
It felt as if my body were telling me that I am ready to let down my shields
ready to become a formless warrior.

I alluded to this fact because upon waking I picked up The Eagles Gift and continued to read the first few pages of Part Two and became enlightened to the fact that Carlos Castaneada experienced similar jolts or pulsations of energy while in a state of dreaming except he felt real pain in the form of a blob or mass moving from his head to his feet. The process lasted for almost two hours, all of which he was paralyzed in his bed. La Gorda assured him that this was a sign of his body accepting formlessness, a breaking of egoic barriers.

If I leave you with this
I am through
with valiant efforts
completely exhausted

I've traversed a lonely path for far too long
forged through briars
and undergrowth

I stick my hands in the dirt
to know what lives beneath.

You are

A living breathing figment of my imagination.
an untouchable face.

How I have tried
How I have not tried
How I have dedicated my self to love
with unconditional gratitude
only to reach a voicemail
that has not yet been set up.

alone on the edge of a bed that sleeps two
occupy this wait for you
elusive touch
placid-smile
pushing boulders
(all the while.)
a rolling stone that gathers no moss
is fated to dust.
All the truth you need is softly spoken
from the hard edges of your lips
that sour taste in your mouth,
heard sweetly on the other side,
whispered through
a flash before my eyes
you are gone.
a shiny boulder
rolling through fields of green clover.

when i find the words
i'll call.
really pick up the phone
it is the closest thing now
your voice traveling time
i should be dialing your number



i'd say
if i couldn't swim i'd go right under
like a plague permeating
attracted to a source thats radiating
searching to feel
and find what isn't real
i use men for attention
lure them in my way
knowing all the right things to say
i feel so empty
so unfulfilled.
i have loved you for years
i have stopped
i have changed its form
and caressed its beauty
i have cast it from my heart
and reeled it back in
i find myself here still fishing
still sitting with my line in the water
you are fluid and flawless
a glisten of reflected light
under a surface
that i have no desire to walk on
only to touch it to my skin
drenched in its glory.
it is in the stillness of the night
the motion of the moon on the water
the orchestral rubbing of tinylegs
singing my mind asleep
that i let go of the line
dive into the murky pool
this imperfection
this longing
this impermanence
lies like muddy water on your banks.
i'm pushing the tide through
to clean the shores.
thank you, love
for the open channel
into which we spawned.



i may never say these things to you
only to make sense of the senseless
to decipher the indecipherable
you are not a foreigner.
we speak the same language.
even shifted across a hundred mile of wire.

i pulled a feather out as I slipped off her back
and she yanked me back upwards with her claws
i almost lost it that time, almost fell to the abyss
but alas, i was saved, death was not ready for me
and i not ready for it.
fly, she says, keep flying.
so today i am still alive, 7:48am
and the sun rose again.
it took me a minute to regain myself
after almost careening my wagon off a 3,000 ft drop.
apparently i am smarter stronger and faster
if i wasn't, i'd be dead.
so now everything matters more than it did before,
and maybe thats a crime,
maybe i'd been doing myself an injustice
by not living life as if death were watching over my shoulder, constantly.
a cold hand touched my skin and that was all it took to wake me from this sleep.
to shake me hard and make me think of how important it all is.
so i'll take a few more steps forward today
knowing that at any moment it can all be taken back.

a bear went up the mountain
to see what he could see
he saw another mountain
and thats all that he could see.

theres no surprise for true little lies
in the land of the sky
between you and
I got nothing but time
to figure reason in this rhyme

missed you this time, standing alone
pushing your soul through a microphone
come out vibrating
sensating
relating

to the crystal that once was a stone
like you and me alone
with anywhere to roam
burn my eyes looking straight at the sun
as urgency sung

from vocal chords
I couldn't see no more
I felt fantastic
my body elastic
an evolution of plastic
i wish it weren't so drastic

to feel the end of the world
bodies unfurled
broken free from the chains
still feeling the pains
in a place so strange
we're all trying to change

an epic dream
if you know what I mean
things aren't always what they seem
so I mean what I say
and I'll keep it that way
try to tell me its going to be OK
those words are empty, you won't own up
to a half-full cup
try and change your luck.

It seems easier to run from a challenge than to step out and take a risk. When we initiate, we commit ourselves to a direction. We may feel uncertain about what the future holds. What if we change our minds? What if no one follows? What if we fail in front of our followers? We run from commitment and initiative for a variety of reasons."

Reason: 1. We are afraid we'll be unable to keep the commitment.

Issue: 1. Low sense of security.

Reason: 2. We suspect we might find "greener grass" somewhere else.

Issue: 2. Paralyzed will.

Reason: 3. We expend time and energy only for personal gain.

Issue: 3. No surrender.

Reason: 4. Our past makes trust difficult.

Issue: 4. Emotional baggage.

Reason: 5. We are lazy and unmovitated.

Issue: 5. Apathy and neutrality.

Reason: 6. We fear the risk of being rejected.

Issue: 6. Poor self-esteem.

Reason: 7. We fear the unknown and the unfamiliar.

Issue: 7. Low confidence.

Reason: 8. We don't want to lose our freedom.

Issue: 8. Entitlement philosophy.

Reason: 9. We fear being different from others.

Issue: 9. Politically correct.

Reason: 10. We don't really know who we are.

Issue: 10. Gifts and calling.

 

John Maxwell 

Tuesday August 26, 2008

photo credit: ann.e ranney